“living good, might not remember this night… world might end, so i’m living my life”

38 days ago on my birthday, i started a project where i write a little bit every day. like handwrite. in a journal. i picked up a journal that has 365 pages, so i give myself a page a day and see what happens.

some days i find myself squeezing my thoughts onto a single page. other days, my entire entry can be “i’m drunk. the end.”

it’s hard to see what’s on my mind down on paper… it’s a circus up in there. granted, the last 12 months have been some of the worst consecutive ones in my life. i have every right to be a little out of control.

CONTROL. very likely the main reason my world is spinning. the lack of it, that is. i blame myself—and am blamed—for things beyond my control. things i couldn’t possibly see coming… things i couldn’t change.

but fuck it. i can’t always keep worrying about everyone else. someone’s gotta look out for me. and it’s time.

this weekend, my friend and i were going through old photos, and she said to me, “no offense,” (already offended) “but you always look your best when you’re single… except for when you were with _____.”

“yeah, well, i stayed looking fly for _____. he was worth it.”

we laughed it off and i didn’t really think much of it until i journaled later that night. but it was true. in my last 2 relationships, i hated my partners and i hated myself. and i let it show in how i carried myself.

but i know taking care of myself has little to do with who i’m partnered up with and more to do with me.

it really is time to DO ME.

to find what makes me happy.

to do what’s best for me.

to live my life.

“i’m tryna get my felt pen on but the block is hot”

on one of my earliest blogs (think on geocities or xanga), i always titled my entries with a lyric from a song, whether r&b, hip hop, or rap. or whatever.

and i’m bringing that back.

it came during the time i was coming out of my very destructive high school relationship. i was in therapy and my therapist encouraged that i write it out because i couldn’t seem to verbalize it all. i was angry and i was a mess.

but it helped to write with music and to let that motivate what my mind couldn’t.

i realized that, in typical virgo style, i’m very much a start-to-finish type of writer now. i start with a title. and i build from there. or i try to.

during dad’s cancer journey and, ultimately, his passing, my titles were the numbers of days since his diagnosis. i mean, it was hard to come up with anything more inspirational than that at the time.

but now, almost 3 years later, i’m lucky if i can even come up with a title, much less any content that somehow has anything to do with it. so i stopped trying. i stopped writing altogether.

i realize my thoughts are everywhere.  my thoughts are about everything. my thoughts are focused on everyone.

so i’m bringing back the lyrics. it may or may not mean anything to anyone, but that’s fine by me.

it ain’t about you this time.